he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize