Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
There was a lot of him and a little penis
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
