Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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