i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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