I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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