Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize