I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
