Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
