And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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