i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
