Dude my mom stole all your condoms
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
