too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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