look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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