well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
