P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
