I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
