apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You made out with two different species that night
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
