Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
you inspire me to be a worse person
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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