Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
