I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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