Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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