My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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