dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
