so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
