like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize