I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
