I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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