Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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