I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
