not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
