Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
