how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
