Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
