She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize