You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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