the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
