I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
