he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
two words...techno handjob
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize