Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize