it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
