3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
