I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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