what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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