It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
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