If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Drunk is a universal language darling
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
