I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
