I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
