I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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