Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
