i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
