A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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