There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
