the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
