good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
