I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
