my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
