turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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