Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
