He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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