Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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