Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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