I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
