I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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