hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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