I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
