those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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