I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
