I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
That accounts for only three of the penises
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize